she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
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Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
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you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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