I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
