I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
