Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
