What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
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Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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