I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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