come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
