What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
