Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
