I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
