got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
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Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
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He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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