If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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