Dude my mom stole all your condoms
idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
