I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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