wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
