You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
