i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
