Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
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