I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
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