if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
