just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
It's official drugs can't kill me
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
