Don't make out with my wife yet
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
