I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
