your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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