Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
