I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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