It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
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