you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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