I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
