there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
