i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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