I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
