do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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