He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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