mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
