i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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