There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
