Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
