You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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