how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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