i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Randomize
