I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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