at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
