As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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