if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
