Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
