My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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