Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
