Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
