Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
