you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
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