also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
