Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
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